DIARY OF A SOCIAL LEPER

Introduction

Take 1
My name is Alex Drake I’ve been shot and that bullet has taken me back to 1982….. oh no hang on, thats Ashes to Ashes….. Really have got to learn the difference between reality and TV! Right, try again..

Take 2
My name is Sam Tyler, I was in an accident and woke up in 1973….. shit thats TV again…fuck it just read on……..

Take 3
My name is Warwick Hunt, I haven’t been shot or involved in any accidents (apart from embarrassing bladder leaks after a night on the pop) but I have realised that in the closing stages of my 39th year on this world that I have absolutely no recollection a good part of my life so far, so to assure that I keep full and proper track of my time I will start this journal, I hope someday somebody will find it and dust it down and read it and glean some inspiration, but more likely than not it will probably fill the reader with revulsion and disgust and give them an overwhelming urge to go home and shower for I am truly a social leper….. read on if you dare!

The warden threw a party in the county jail.
The prison band was there and they began to wail.
The band was jumpin' and the joint began to swing.
You should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing.
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock. 

Spider Murphy played the tenor saxophone,
Little Joe was blowin' on the slide trombone.
The drummer boy from Illinois went crash, boom, bang,
the whole rhythm section was the Purple Gang.
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block

was dancin’ to the Jailhouse Rock. Elvis Presley – Jailhouse rock

Why does my shit smell like pickled onion monster munch?

Ok I’m back. Had a bit of a crisis but now I think I’m ok. Its all been a bit weird since I last wrote. Had my meeting with warren Friday evening and things kind of got out of hand. More accurately I should Say that I had my meeting with warren, his bird and his fuckpig mom. On thursday he asked me to write out the story of me and his mom so trying hard not to be bitter I wrote the following and sent it to him.

Hi Warren,

not sure that your going to like this but you did ask!

I first met her while hanging out with the Volkswagen crew, she worked with Sandra who was going out with my mate Dave. I fell for her pretty much instantly as she was really cute, dressed hippy style , had massive boobs and really thick lensed Lennon style glasses to correct astigmatism. I asked her out there and then and we met the following night.

She was a vetinary nurse in west brom and had recently moved with her parents to Worcester. Our first date was just a pub date followed by sitting in her car for 6 hours chatting then snogging. I suppose she represented a wild side that I didn’t posess but was eager to obtain. She came across as one of the most interesting girls I had ever met, not that I had many to compair with at that time of life. We were soon an item or at least that’s what I thought.

After only a few weeks the truth came out that she had a long term boyfriend named Mark, embarrassingly enough it was my moms friend who broke the news on both sides, this mark chap was a musician in a rock band where as I was just a manager in a supermarket so Sarah when faced with a choice promptly dumped me for the cooler option.

BITCH

Obviously I was gutted, propper crying myself to sleep and everything. She said we could still be friends blah blah, and that there were plenty more fish in the sea, only trouble was that I didn’t want to fuck a fish. We did however remain friends. Looking back on this period I realise that we should have stayed just friends because in her mind friends met up for a shag twice a week. It was perfect, she would come to my house 2 or 3 times a week, fuck my brains out then piss off to her boyfriend leaving me blissed out and the rest of my evening to myself.

But soon enough the drummer reverted to form and finally she dumped him in favour of me.She was hard work as a girlfriend, quite ignorant with my family and friends. I never ever felt secure in this relationship possibly because I knew she was capable of cheating. I didn’t let it stress me out too much as I was getting good head 5 nights out of 7.

Getting engaged did little to ease my insecurity. We had the obligatory party to give the In-laws the opportunity to meet face to face and form an instant but lasting hatred of each other. The DJ got both out names wrong and seemed to dislike people occupying the dance floor obviously getting in the way of his pretty disco lights. Every bloody time he played anything remotely family friendly people got up to dance so he immediately put on some shite dance music until they all sat down again.

We eventually decided that we wanted a place of our own and worked out that living together would free up one car and the saving on fuel would go some way towards paying the mortgage. We looked at hundreds of homes but finally settled for the first house we had seen and bought it for a little over 29k and moved in.

My friend at the time Greg was a regular visitor to our house and occaisionally while I was working he would take her out for a drink etc. Now I can’t honestly say that I trusted her but I knew, quite wrongly, that I could trust him.

One very strange evening in the summer she rang me and asked me to run her a bath. Then there was a knock at the door and it was Dave and Sandra. dave looked nervous and angry. I invited them in and asked what was up. Dave told me that she was leaving me for Greg that afternoon. she turned up so I confronted her about it and she seemed completely bemused by it and dismissed it out of hand before going for her bath. I went back to confront Dave but he was adamant that he was right and that Greg would be round soon to pick her up. I still didn’t believe him and just sat there trying to convince him it was not true. I truly believed it all to be a figment of Sandra’s overactive imagination, right up until there was another knock at the door. I opened it to see a very sheepish Greg standing on my doorstep.

At that madam came downstairs with a suitcase and went to leave. I asked her if she had got everything as anything left would be destroyed. I didnt actually destroy her stuff, I tore up a few manky hippy coats but it was too much like hard work so I just piled it up on the garden and pissed on it instead…. much more satisfying.

I spent the rest of that week in a cycle of pain and hurt. Tearful one moment filled with rage the next. I found out they had borrowed the flat above her work and I went down there shouting and banging the doors till the police came and moved me on.I spent one very miserable month on my sofa not eating, drinking only coffee and smoking fags and spliffs.

Jon was going through the same with his ex and we started hanging out a lot more, just a pair of emotionally damaged woman haters. It seemed to make sense for him to give up his flat and move in with me. The upshot being we had a year of dodgey birds, pubs, clubs, drugs and kebabs.By the time the spring came I was pretty much over her and only saw her once after that and when I did I realised that I didn’t even know what she looked like. She had started going to raves and living in a caravan. From that moment on I knew I would be ok.

I didnt get a reply so just went ahead to meet the guy.

After much pissing around, getting lost and generally abused by the public transport system I got into town half an hour late. After a quick look around the pub I spotted him with ease, he was obviously the ginger balding, freckled to the point of looking rusty, monkey looking fucker. In short he is a slightly taller carbon copy of the tosser that she ran away to be a tramp with, I don’t mean tramp as in slut, well I do but mostly I mean tramp as in the homeless, smelly drug taking scrounger sense of the word.

I felt a huge sense of relief as he was plainly not mine. Now all I had to do was spend a polite hour drinking with him before wishing him well and getting the fuck out of there. This was not going to be the case as as soon as I had say down with my drink the ambush was sprung and I was confronted by a short fat hippy and a wrinkly once ginger monkey wanting to know how dare i blah blah blah and how could I blah blah blah. Fuck this, I didnt care how much my Guinness had just cost me I was off. Warren’s dad made the mistake of grabbing my shoulder and spinnig me round….. I honestly didnt intend to smack him, but once I had I thought fuck it and kicked the shit out of him, unfortunately the plastic hippy tried to throttle me from behind until I tappec her with my elbow… when i say tapped I mean i broke her glasses, her nose and knocked her false teeth flying in a stream of bloody sputum. I ran off at that point, had it away on my toes as fast as possible returning only briefly to collect my coat, my keys and fags and finish my pint.

The bus journey home took years, as I replayed what had happened in my mind I started shaking like a shitting dog, that fight equated to 2 counts of GBH and causing a disturbance. I didn’t actually make it home, the police came and got me off the bus before i even got out of brum… that will teach me to leave bus tickets on pub tables. I got arrested for assault and was taken to Steelhouse Lane police station where I was charged, stripped of all my posessions and locked in a cell.

Since then I have been in front of the magistrates and given a 2 year suspended sentence for knocking the pair of soap dodgers out but I actually got a 7 day custodial sentence for not paying 5 years worth of council tax, 4 motoring fines and a library card infringement.

I ended up in Winson Green and although I will write about the time I spent there I’m just not ready to relive it….not just yet eh…

As I said I’m ok now, prisons are NOT nice places, the Green (we lags call it the Green) but as I said I’m not going over that now because If I whinge anymore I will end up having a mohawk sporting black dude firing snickers bars at me from a helicopter.

Tomorrow, as they say, is another day and I have finally managed to get the stink of prison off my skin and my arse is on the mend now so I’m going to put it behind me now (pardon the pun). I have not stopped eating since i got out and have put a bit of weight on, I need to keep an eye on this as after forty your weight sticks to you like baby shit to a bedroom wall.

Warwicks tip of the day - patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.

TEMPORARILY CLOSED DUE TO COMPLETE SENSE OF HUMOUR FALIURE

BACK SOON

Noel Coward was a charmer.
As a writer he was brahma.
Velvet, jackets and pyjamas,
had a gay divorce and other dramas.

There ain't half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain't half been some clever bas-tards.

Van Gough did some eyeball pleasers.
He must have been a pencil squeezer.
He didn't do the Mona Lisa,
That was an Italian geezer.

There ain't half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain't half been some clever bas-tards.

Einstein can't be classed as witless.
He claimed atoms were the littlest.
When you did a bit of splitting-em-ness
Frighten everybody shitless

There ain't half been some clever bastards.
Probably got help from their mum
(who had help from her mum).
There ain't half been some clever bastards.
Now that we've had some,
let's hope that there's lots more to come.

Ian Dury and the Blockheads – There aint half been some clever bastards.

0700 its already too hot! I will try but I don’t think I will be able to get away with staying indoors today. There is after all only so many times you can usefully steam clean a toilet block.

0715 having the attack of the really annoying bloke. You know the sort, every time you see them they say the exact same thing to you. Well this guy was with me when we had training on the floor machine and because he is in charge of training on fork lift trucks he thinks he’s responsible for my machine when actually its got fuck all to do with him. Its no big deal really as I have already learned his movements so can now avoid him like the plague for weeks on end, its useful to let him monitor the machine as if there is a problem he always comes and finds me, then tells me in minute detail what’s wrong, then without a pause he tells me again, and again. I think he’s the type who can only think when he’s chatting inane bollocks.

Watched an interesting documentary last night, polish squadron 303 fighting in the battle of Britain. One guy kept repeatedly breaking formation and flying headlong at the enemy. Flying straight into them forcing them to scatter and then picking them off in the mele. What a fucking great plan! Think about it, you run into the enemy ranks on your own so you can fire at anything that moves, your enemy has to be very careful where he fires save hitting his own men. The scotts used to use something similar, they had a crack unit called the beserkers who would strip naked, work themselves into a frenzy then charge straight into the enemy line…. Imagine that, 30 naked hairey arsed ginger sweaty socks running at you with big fuck off swords.

Had a day of being pissed around while achieving very little. Started off on one site litter picking then left that site at 0800 to go to the other site to give myself enough time to litter pick, have a quick fag break and get myself nice and busy as my boss, her boss and his boss were visiting. It all fell apart at 0900 when I had just got to site 2, I had just lit my fag and got my so-called-coffee when my phone rang, apparently my boss had arranged for a day of training the warehouse rats on how to use my machine. Only problem was that the dumb bastard didn’t bother to tell anyone. So with the prospect of paying over £200 for training nobody I was summonsed back to site 1.

Nobody was available for training and the engineer sent to do the training was rubbing his hands together at the prospect of a days pay for no work what so ever! I had a word in a few ears and managed to get the warehouse dummy (thick as pigshit when hes sober, slightly thicker when hes pissed) to train as in the words of the manager “you may as well try to train him, he is no good for anything else!”. It took 5 agonising hours, 2 breaks and one very near miss with a forklift truck before he was competent enough to drive it. Usually even the most labotomised idiot can grasp it in under an hour. The afternoon session was slightly more successful, and I do mean slightly! We successfully trained 3 people today and the only saving grace is that I am now qualified to train people myself…. I got a CERTIFICATE and everything… I feel really special now…..

Warwicks tip of the day - in the supermarket next time you go alcohol shopping. Fill you trolley to bursting point with booze, then add one packet of nappies. When paying, pretend that you don’t have enough money and put the nappies back. Watch the faces of the checkout personnel. Priceless.

Joseph’s face was black as night
The pale yellow moon shone in his eyes
His path was marked
By the stars in the southern hemisphere
And he walked his days
Under african skies
This is the story of how we begin to remember
This is the powerful pulsing of love in the vein
After the dream of falling and calling your name out
These are the roots of rhythm
And the roots of rhythm remain

Paul Simon – Under African skies.

Feeling a bit like my old self today. By that I mean frail, slightly scummy and old. Yesterday was tough trying to keep myself upright and concious and steer a broom at the same time. Never was much good at multi tasking, I am the wrong sex for that.

I‘m hiding in the bogs today under the guise of steam cleaning them, the stench of years worth of dried piss is doing little to lift my mood. Am I secretly stressing about something? Hmm, well I’m certainly not looking forward to seeing Warren. I don’t wanna be the one to tell him his dads a knob! I am fully expecting to hear from the child support agency any day now. Knowing his mom back then I have come to the following conclusion.

She has traded on her big tits and looks till now, the years of black cock and crack cocaine have probably taken their toll, her face probably looks like an apple that’s been left in the sun for a month, she probably has to lift her skirt now to access her boobs and her fanny probably looks like a wizards sleeve.

Stop it now Warwick your being really negative and cynical. She is probably really nice, yeah she’s probably a really nice drug taking scrounger!

1900- Just watched the news where the England football team have just got off the plane…. bastards! I would have made them walk home. I have heard all kinds of bollocks at work, classics like “the Germans were not playing OUR kind of football”, (sigh)… no they were not were they, they were playing the “try and win” kind of football. “the morale was low because they were not allowed to go out of the hotel” (bigger sigh)… I would be depressed too if I was FORCED to stay in a 5 star hotel, I would probably need councelling afterwards. Honestly I’m already sick of hearing about it. So please world just shut up about it now. Oh and while I’m making requests, can the England manager (whoever it turns out to be) pick people for the squad who can (a) run more than 30 yards without spitting (b) prove a genuine enthusiasm for the national side and (c) string together a sentence using at least 2 words with more than 2 syllables and sign their name with something other thsn an X.

Warwicks tip of the day – Wankers. Attatch a pedometer to your wrist and measure the calories you burn. Then you can proudly tell your wife how much exercise you have done.

Monday 28/06/10

I’ve got your picture, I’ve got your picture
I’d like a million of them all round my cell
I want the doctor to take a picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You’ve got me turning up and turning down and turning in and turning ’round

I’m turning Japanese
I think I’m turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I’m turning Japanese
I really think so
I’m turning Japanese
I think I’m turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I’m turning Japanese
I really think so

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women
No fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it’s dark
Everyone around me is a total stranger
Everyone avoids me like a cyclone ranger
That’s why I’m turning Japanese
I think I’m turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese

I think I’m turning Japanese
I really think so
I’m turning Japanese
I think I’m turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I’m turning Japanese

I really think so

The Vapors – Turning Japanese

Propper struggling today. I have the worst kind of hangover! The sun is too bright, the weather is too hot and the whole world is just too bloody noisy. All I want to do is sit in a corner weeping softly. Not only do I have a hangover but everyone is pissed off and down at work over the shambolic game of supposed football yesterday.

I have heard back from Warren, I am meeting him for a drink friday, He has just emailed me some pics of himself as a child. Now I no that the only certain way to findo out if he’s mine is to have a DNA test done but that said I am 99.9% certain now that he isn’t mine. He was the most ginger and freckly kid you ever did see. His pic shows him around 5 and he looks like a ginger monkey! The guy his mom ran off with was all about the ginge. He also looked like a chimpanzee featured quite high up in his family tree. He was one ugly fucker but he could climb the fuck out of a tree.

Work has been excruchiatingly dull today. Nobody was in any mood to chat, half the bastards didn’t even come in. Its like a national day or mourning. Just as the ashes come from some burnt cricket stumps that signify the death of English cricket then yesterdays 4-1 ass-fucking surely signifys the death of English football. The team (if you can call them a team) just didnt seem to have any enthusiasm for winning. It was almost like “fuck you I’m getting paid whatever the score”.

Too tired and zoned out to even think so I’m going to do something that requires no thought or effort (no I’m not going to become a student) I’m going to masturbate then sleep!

Warwicks tip of the day- When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90°, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Hot in the city, hot in the city tonight, tonight
Hot in the city, hot in the city tonight, tonight

Stranger, stranger

For all the dreams and schemes,
people are as they seem
On a hot summer night
Don't be no fun, don't forget you're young
On a hot summer night

A sometime someone you're not
Don't wait to see what you got
'Cause you know that you're

Hot in the city, hot in the city tonight, tonight
Hot in the city, hot in the city tonight, tonight

We'll walk until my feet drop
I'm a train when I'm hateful
Yeah, lay right down now
And ride until your head breaks
I'm a-walkin' 'til my brain pops
I will move with the beat now
I'm a chain 'round an A-bomb
I'm a ribbon in the heat now
New York! 

Billy Idol – Hot in the city

0800 Just got up, its too hot to stay in bed. I have sweat that much in my bed that it looks like some mad crime scene! It looks like the patterns that you make in the snow by lying in it and moving your arms and legs… think they are called snow angels…. well i have identical markings on my sheet, I have a sweat angel, not quite as pretty as the snow ones but far more fragrant.

1300 Off to meet Jon and Doc in Brum to watch the England v Germany game. I really cant see England winning though, I did say as much at work the other day and you would have thought I had just advocated kiddie fiddling! Honestly the looks i got would have withered a lesser man… or at least a lesser man who gave a shit about what those warehouse rats think.

1400 Just got into town, being on that bus was not a pleasant experience, it felt like i was undergoing some mad Japanese heat torture. Every window on the packed bus was closed and I’m pretty sure the fucking driver had got the heating on.

1800 What a massive pile of shit the England team were. I have seen better football played between 8 kids using jumpers for goalposts. 4-1 is dire. We have managed to reach a new pinnacle of humiliation by letting the Nazi’s beat us, it was a veritable rout! The mood is sombre now, if you listen carefully you can hear the sound of 3 million George cross’s being ripped down from houses and cars. Don’t know if its the heat but since I turned 40 I have lost a lot of my tolerance for time wasting twats. I’m in the pub waiting for the England Germany game to start, just been to the bar and asked for 2 abbots ale, the barman looked at me and said ’2 abbots?’ YEAH, that’s why I said 2 FUCKIN ABBOTS! Twat, listen when I order for fucks sake!

2300 just had another altercation with a bus driver. You see I fell asleep on the bus and woke up at the terminus. Seeing as the bus was not due to leave for another half. Hour I decided to walk, as I was a little pissed I went the wrong way, I turned and started to walk back the right was when I realised I had left my lighter in the pub. The only living soul around was the driver who was outside his bus smoking a fag so I asked him if he had got a light, he looked at me and said no. I called him a helpful bastard and walked off. I had just reached the end of the bus when he bellowed ‘FUCK OFF’ at me. Before I knew it I had spun on my heels and was charging towards him. He shit it and promptly jumped on his bus and locked the door. I told him to come out and tell me that again but he just hid behind the door so I told him to get off the bus and then tell me to fuck off!! spineless bastard only went and called the police.

Warwicks tip of the day – Save 40p a week by just giving 60p to a big issue vendor instead of buying the magazine.

You used to get it in your fishnets
Now you only get it in your night dress
Discarded all the naughty nights for niceness
Landed in a very common crisis
Everything's in order in a black hole
Nothing seems as pretty as the past though
That Bloody Mary's lacking in Tabasco
Remember when you used to be a rascal?

Oh the boy's a slag
The best you ever had
The best you ever had
Is just a memory and those dreams
But as daft as they seem
As daft as they seemed
My love when you dream them up

Flicking through a little book of sex tips
Remember when the boys were all electric?
Now when she tells she's gonna get it
I'm guessing that she'd rather just forget it
Clinging to not getting sentimental
Said she wasn't going but she went still
Likes her gentlemen not to be gentle

Was it a Mecca dauber or a betting pencil?

Arctic Monkeys – Flourescent adolescent

Quality night last night, so much better than last week! I feel like I have gone 5 rounds with Tyson rather than 3 rounds with maureen. I aint going to be able to do a lot today, its too hot and I’m too tired. Just got back from doing my monthly visiting, now its time for my first beer.

SHIT!!! Why is it that if your toast falls it lands jam side down, if you spill a drink on your cream carpet its got to be red wine, if your car wont start its the day after your breakdown cover elapses? So when your fucking fridge breaks down its gotta be the hottest day of the year and the day after you have just filled it with highly perishable foodstuffs. I now have a fridge full of piping hot lager and rapidly decomposing food.

Warwicks tip of the day - Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

Hot town summer in the city
Back of my neck getting dirt and gritty
Been down, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around people looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk hotter than a match head 

But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
Come on, come on and dance all night
Despite the heat it will be alright
And babe, don't you know it's a pity
The days can't be like the night
In the summer in the city

In the summer in the city Joe Cocker – Summer in the city

Early up and out as I have got a load of American tycoons to dodge!

The yanks are landing at noon…. very symbolic considering what they are coming for, its gonna be a showdown at high noon!

Still trying to work out what to do with me 9p a week. Maybe I should save it for 3 weeks and buy some rizzla, or save it for six weeks and buy a mars bar… or save it for 2 months and buy myself a good chunk of Scotland….. or save it for 8 years and buy a gallon of petrol!Its hotter than hell here again today. I have forgotten my hat so I can feel my skull burning. That’s going to take a lot of aftersun tonight. It already feels 2 sizes too small for my head.I must be suffering from the heat as I have just realised one very important thing about today…..ITS FRIDAY!That means bingo bonking, weed and beer!!!

Our American investers have just left, all that stress, all that graft for them to just breeze through in 12 mins saying “wow” or “gee” a lot. Wankers! Mind you their arrival was quite impressive, we were waiting and just saw a presidential type motorcade appear out of the heat haze. 5 black limo’s cruised silently into the car park, 5 drivers got out and opened 5 doors simultaniously and out of each climbed 5 perfectly taylored black suits! It was like a Reservoir Dog’s and Men In Black convention. I now have no doubt that the company I work for has just been bought out by the mafia, this was backed up by the head honcho leaning it to have a word in the MD’s ear when they were leaving…. the MD’s smile froze on his face, as soon as the guests left he, rather shakily ran to his office and locked himself in….. as far as i know he’s still there now.

Friday friday friday! Have just booked my bingo bonk (nifty bit of alliteration there), ordered my weed and am just about to get my supplies!

Warwick signing off now as he has had an offer he could not refuse!!

Warwicks tip of the day- FRUMPY MIDDLE-AGED women. Save your energy by not lusting after Cliff Richard. I’ve worked back stage at his gigs and his cock is tiny.

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me

But I can’t trace time David bowie – changes.

Ok who filled my head with a mixture of pidgeon shit and clay? Come on own up! I guess 10 bottles of Stella will do that to me. Bastard footballers had to go and win didn’t they? Then I had to celebrate by hitting the stella’s didn’t I? Then when the beer ran out I had to go and drink all the Listerine didn’t I?

Have thrown my ring up twice already and its only 0800, still, at least my vomit was minty fresh. Man its hot! Just had to go to the loo just to wring out my pants. I haven’t sweated this much since the TV licence people caught me. I’m sweating more than Jo brand in a sauna. I have the quality job of cleaning up the little piles of rat shit and litter in the loading bays, its so hot though that the black bags are all soft and tear open if you so much as look at them so hard. The fun part of this particular task is dodging the artics that are constantly backing in and out of the bays, from above I bet I look like a very sweaty game of frogger, quality Sinclair spectrum game.

Thursday night

The new budget is worth a second look folks, a man in a suit has just been on the telly and told me that the average person is going to be 35 pound a YEAR better off. Why bother telling me that I’m going to be 9.58p a week better off that’s 1.36p better off per actual day. Cheers mate, I have usually found more than that on the floor at work by 0800. Perhaps that’s how they are doing it? Just a troup of government agents driving round random places occaisionally throwing out a carefully monitored amount of change!

Warwicks tip of the day - TEACHERS. Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool.

Time on your side that will never end
The most beautiful thing you can ever spend
But you work in a shirt with your name tag on it
Drifting apart like a plate tectonic
It don't matter to me
'Cos all I wanted to be
Was a million miles from here
Somewhere more familiar
Too much time spent dragging the past up
I didn't see you not looking when I messed up
Settling down in your early twenties
Sucked more blood than a backstreet dentist
It don't matter to me
'Cos all I wanted to be
Is a million miles from here
Somewhere more familiar
Oh my god I can't believe it
I've never been this far away from home 

Kaiser Chiefs – Oh my godCrunch day for englands world cup dreams. Not too bad a start, lunatic lorry drivers and stroppy underpaid and under laid warehouse workers aside. I need to leave at 1430 to catch the game in all its entirity. Have new focus of hate at work. This guy has been consistent in his ignorance as every time I said morning to him he just looked at me like I’d just fucked his mom. Needless to say I have not bothered in weeks until today. I was pushing a particularly heavy bin full of wood and mud through the warehouse as I got to the bottom the empty lane that I was planning on cutting through was blocked by the bearded bluto looking fucker, I asked him nicely if he would move his electric truck forward 5 feet to let me through, again you would have thought I had just shat in his sandwiches and he asked me why I couldn’t go round! Bastard moved but it took him 5 mins so I waited till he moved and then said its ok I will go around… What a wanker! Again I am reminded of all the grief I have ever had with men with silly facial hair. I must see if I can find my ‘got a small cock? Then grow a goatee!’ T shirt for tomorrow.

Still waiting on a reply from the possible son of leper. I have been wracking my brain trying to remember what my sex life was like up until the point when the hippy bitch left. It was pretty good as I recall, we even did it the night before she left. So its anybodys guess if i am dad or the greasy shit she ran off with… or even someone else all together!Ok, now I really must stop celebrating, have downed 8 bottles of wifebeater since the match started.

England actually WON shocker eh!?! They actually came out and palyed as a team. OK it might have only been a 1-0 victory but at least we have finished runner up in the group! I dont actually believe we will win another match in this tournament but at least we lasted longer than the surrender monkeys!

Warwicks tip of the day - PAUL DANIELS. Liven up your routine by actually sawing the ‘lovely’ Debbie McGee in half on stage.